Monday, March 5, 2012

Loneliness, Heartache, and No Break in Sight

I'm lonely. More lonely than I have ever felt before. It isn't that I don't have friends or even people to talk to, I just don't feel...happy...or something. I don't know how to describe it and I'm pretty sure that I might be a little depressed, but I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I just want someone to hold me, is that too much to ask? Since my stupid roommate's boyfriend has come to school here, she doesn't stay in our apartment anymore. We have had fights over stupid shit and she went as far as moving some of her stuff. Not all of it, but enough that it hurt me and I don't think she would have told me about it. I thought that we were good friends, I mean I wouldn't have decided to room with her if we hadn't been. I guess we've both changed or something. Maybe its her boyfriend, I don't know.

And now I'm reading a book where this girl has the attention of not one, but two guys and she is being so wish-washy about it. If I had guys vying for my attention I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would pick the better one, that I can be certain of, but I'm so awkward when it comes to guys. Hell I can't even tell a guy that I like him. I talk to him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but I can't ask him about his life or where he is from or what year he is and when he'll start flight school. My life is so fucked up and I honestly don't know how to fix shit.

Next week is spring break and I'm going to L.A. Maybe the sunshine and being at Disneyland will help. It might help, but then I might come back and be in the same boat all over again. Even my closest friends don't seem to see me struggling. I'm always the strong one; always the one listening to their troubles. Maybe all of it is finally catching up to me.